Single and dont want to be

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Posted September 12, Reviewed by Lybi Ma. After summer, fall often feels like a time for growth, for change — a time to reconnect with work, start new projects, and maybe even get serious about making a relationship happen. There are countless reasons why, despite your readiness, a relationship may elude you.

Single and dont want to be

Working to find self-compassion and patience for the reasons you got to this dissatisfying and frustrating place can help you begin to feel less stuck. Here are eight of the main reasons why people have trouble finding or sustaining a romantic relationship :. How do you understand who you are, your self-worth and self-esteem? Even extensive studies of online dating show that we tend to date people who are very near our own perceived level of attractivenessincome, and education — we tend to choose mates who we think are very near how we think about ourselves.

So how do you think about yourself? If you feel great shame about the way you look or about things that have happened to you in your life, or feel you are painfully flawed in who you are, then this shame can overpower your ability to initiate contact, or can draw you to people who are unable to commit for similar or even for very different reasons that still somehow feel familiar. You might feel as if your shame, your self-perceived "ugliness" or your painful shyness make it virtually impossible to find a mate, so why try?

Maybe you were so badly hurt in a relationship that you are still stinging and full of shame at having been rejected, and you feel undeserving and fearful of the vulnerability required to find love again or for the first time. Despite all these obstacles, you have an intense longing for connection. Feeling undeserving of romantic intimacy can at times contribute to participating in activities you feel shameful about, which can, in turn, increase your shame and make you feel less deserving — a vicious cycle. There are some people who feel so profoundly undeserving of an intimate, connected, reciprocal relationship that they may seek out other ways to approximate intimacy that may ultimately feel even more Single and dont want to be to them.

However you arrived at this place of intense need, it drives you to overwhelm your prospective partners. You have a constant, insatiable need for reassurance. Nothing is enough. Nothing feels good enough. You ask for praise, even beg for it, but then can't accept when it's given to you.

The level of insecurity you feel leaves little if any room to establish a healthy reciprocal relationship, because conversations with prospective partners must involve reasons why you are loveable, and without that reassurance, you feel unloveable. As you have painfully discovered, it is often just too much to ask for, and you end up alone, which in turn creates even more insecurity, shame, and despair.

Working on understanding how your need for reassurance reached this insatiable point may help you feel compassion for yourself, because chances are something was terribly awry in your past. Recognizing how much your neediness is interfering with finding and sustaining a relationship are the first steps to developing healthier ways to seek the reassurance you long for from yourself first and foremost, which will make it far easier for prospective partners.

Maybe the opposite was true: You received immense amounts of praise and learned to expect perfection as the norm, or maybe it's both. This opinion is so dominant that you don't give partners a chance. Another scenario: You may feel like you have already gone through the pack of prospects, none of them worked out and so based on this limited group you are convinced that there is no one right for you out there, therefore, the right person simply doesn't exist.

Maybe in addition to reevaluating your requirements for a partner, you can work on recognizing that you are unfairly limiting your options. Knowing people exist outside your limited pool can be inspiring in its own right, and can create an experience of hopefulness, which is a powerful and motivating feeling to have in any circumstance. You are painfully aware of how badly your family wants you to couple. All your friends are in relationships. Now this external pressure has intensified your own need and your own fears about remaining single.

Pressure can also promote a feeling of shame, hopelessness, and despair, and can compel you to choose indiscriminately at times. Because these reactions belong to the pressure and not to you, they are more likely to add to your frustration than to assuage the pressure. If not identified, the pressure can start to pervade every part of your being — even when no one says a word to you, you still feel it.

It can be paralyzing. Understanding the overwhelming nature of this pressure is the first step toward diluting its power. Despite wanting a relationship, you can have a tough time entering or maintaining a new relationship. Furthermore, in your shame, frustration, angerand despair at having been so badly hurt, you may have lost the incentive for the time being to take care of yourself physically, which most certainly makes it more difficult to feel confident in getting out there and meeting someone new.

But for now, your pattern of negative beliefs about yourself physically and emotionally is unfortunately reinforcing. Your inability to trust may even compel you to see everyone who comes your way as potentially predatory — wanting something from you before they abandon you. This conditioned belief system can make you wary, angry, defensive, fearful and suspicious about entering a new relationship despite your intense longing for connection. Perhaps you see yourself as having sabotaged a relationship? Deep down, this experience can make you feel undeserving of a new one see 1.

Why not just beat your prospective partner to the punch, mess things up first, and get it over with? Think about your past relationships. Were you abandoned or did you sabotage? Was it a combination of both? The most important part is to work hard on viewing each prospective partner as different than the one who hurt you, even if you can find tons of similarities.

They are still different people with different histories and different life experiences. It is much easier to lump your partners together with current and future prospects, but then you end up missing valuable, unique qualities and differences that can help you see new potential in new mates that help you to be open to possibilities. Trauma comes in many insidious forms.

If not addressed and managed in a nurturing and supportive setting, it can mess up your perspective and your capacity to love and trust. If you were traumatized at any time in your life or in earlier relationships, you can be left feeling untrusting and suspicious. If you do happen to accidentally or even somehow purposely repeat patterns that were traumaticthe experience can be disorganizing, disconcerting and alarming.

Single and dont want to be

It can make you feel as if you are destined to repeat the dysfunction as if you have no hope for a rewarding, reciprocal, mutually supportive and trusting relationship yourself. When trauma occurs, it is crucial to find a safe person and a safe space to process the trauma, to understand its impact on you, and to begin the work of disentangling yourself from its ugly hold.

Doing so begins to dilute its power, which in turn can help you work toward not continuing to repeat damaging patterns in your relationships. You may know you are an amazing, wonderful, attractive person. You may have grown up in a way that lets you remain confident in how amazing and wonderful you are. You may have little, if any, ificant negative relationship history. You find yourself without a partner, no matter how badly you want one. It can become so frustrating that you end up feeling intensely pressured see 4. There are a of ways to understand this experience.

In this situation, patience is a virtue. Patience means doing the things you enjoy. It means hanging out with your married friends. Until then, there may just be circumstances that make a relationship unrealistic right now, and that's okay. Another possibility is that it may be less complicated to make peace with your misaligned timing and learn to be okay single for nowrather than continuing to hope for a relationship. There are some people that may feel confused by societal or familial pressure, but really are more comfortable on their own see my post.

Single and dont want to be

What holds you back in your quest for a relationship? Is it one of the eight reasons I listed above?

Single and dont want to be

Are you a combination of more than one? For you, what are some of the reasons that I didn't get into in this post that you help you understand why you are single when you don't want to be? By doing some self-exploration and working on identifying how aspects of your experiences and sense of self interfere with being in a relationship, you can begin to sort through the obstacles in your path.

This is only a quick sampling — a preview that can help you start to look inside yourself for the real reasons that hold you back.

Single and dont want to be

All the possibilities you can think of are reasonable. Find your reasons. Embrace them. Process them. This process may allow you to be surprised in a positive way. Twitter : DrSuzanneL. Suzanne Lachmann, Psy. Suzanne Lachmann Psy.

Me Before We. About the Author. Online: DrSuzanneL. Read Next. Back Psychology Today.

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Single and dont want to be

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Single and don't want to be? A relationship expert thinks they know why